INSATIABLE LONGING FOR HOME
Where is home? I used to think it is where I was born, and at 40, I miss nothing of the place. I have felt uneasy in some environments that I have lived for years and even felt a stranger inside my own house. I have concluded that home is not a place but a state of mind. If you feel at peace and content, then you are home.
Feeling loved and feeling that you belong gives the ‘home feeling’. I have let the world around me steal my peace on so very many occasions. I have visited breathtaking places and ended up not enjoying the experiences since I did not feel at home. And all the while all I could think of is going back to my comfort zone; where I feel safe and not bothered by any outside issue.
This is my story, my name is G.
I am around 5 years old and I don’t like it at school. Too many children and some are very mean. I have been used as a scapegoat and am angry that the teacher believes the other children despite my crying and my trying to convince her of my innocence of the accusations against me. I vividly remember one occasion where I ended up accepting fault for something I had not done, as the teacher threatened me. Now, in my own profession, I know better and I always listen to all parties before declaring a judgment. I will also make mistakes though but not without trying to be fair. And every school morning I quit school before getting up to get ready for the same.
My final year at that level of studying I remember my desk behind the class door which gave me a view of the school field and I would fade away the teacher’s voice during lessons and drift into my own world counting down the months, weeks and days to end my days there.
"Am now convinced life is all about existing and just being there till you breathe your last. I cannot seem to understand why some people around me look like life is great! "
- Anonymous -
The Second level of school was worse. I still choose not to make friends and I am basically surviving each day in this new place. Too many rules that seem easier for some than others. Some subjects are not pleasant to my ears and I quickly start shutting down every time they are taught. Different kind of issues to deal with altogether. I hate it here and am not sure how the years will end. Luckily, they end! Not sure how but they do.
Moving from one place of nothingness to the next. I am yet to realize that it is my state of mind that make it so difficult to live and am yet to do something about it.
Another phase of life shortly starts. It does not seem to get any better. Am now convinced life is all about existing and just being there till you breathe your last. I cannot seem to understand why some people around me look like life is great! I don’t ask though.
I let the many times bullies and envious teens put me down get to me. Am soon turning twenty and a friend tells me “G, you have no idea how beautiful you are!” That becomes the first step in the direction of home. Confidence flows in my veins and am now smiling more than I used to before. Peoples’ dislike of me stops bothering me. I realize I do not have to live a certain way to belong; I don’t have to belong, I just must be myself.
Some part of my life does not change though as I join the adult world. Am disappointed to find the same faults in grownups. I still face rejection, which tears me down, but somehow, I still get back up but not the same. I keep making numerous mistakes, but I am learning to accept my flaws. I meet a new friend who tells me that he will help me start a new life yet again and that I will not face the same problems again. This helps me heal some wounds but as some old wounds heal, new wounds and new hurts start developing. However, I am now able to nurse them better than before. My new life is surrounded by a few and very loving people who make it easy to go through so many different issues.
Am reading more and understanding myself through other peoples’ experiences. Am thanking the books for helping me find small pieces of home a day at a time. I now reach a point where am so comfortable with being me and I have answers of my now. I am no longer frightened of wherever I am, whether am liked or disliked. Am always at home. I still hurt but I recover better than I used to. The scars only help me to fight the next wound with more valor